I’m a child of the eighties born into the western developed world and named after a ridiculous pop star with a regrettable haircut. This means that in my lifetime I will eat about two and a half tonnes of chicken, perhaps the same amount of beef (though hopefully less). I’ll drink around 15 thousand beers (that’s probably too modest, I’m British). I’ll brush my teeth with one hundred and fifty toothbrushes and I’ll sing horribly in about thirty thousand showers sending 2.6 million litres of water down a drain. Njile, Gongo and Tabo are Hadzabe. This means they won’t.